When I was a little girl, I dreamed so many dreams that I would ride off into a sunset of love on a single white unicorn, we’d dart throughout the clouds and rainbows would be plentiful, waterfalls would be glistening all around, id be a childhood actress, both my parents would love, support & inspire me to be anything I wanted to be. I would be the surfing princess from Copacabana beach, with my sun kissed skin & bright white ringlet curled hair, riding the dolphins as they weaved in and out of the rolling waves, not a care in the world, no darkness in my aqua bright sky of possibilities, blissful flowing infinite love, a protected little lady, a child of the tribe. Only when I was a little girl those dreams never existed, my inner child never felt she was safe to come out and freely play in the fantasies of child like life.
I don't remember actually remember being a little girl, memories are fleeting. I never felt pretty, safe, acknowledged or loved unconditionally. I grew up remembering darkness, fear, abandonment, shame and entrapment - like I was everything I shouldn’t be. My rights as a daring baby mermaid free to swim in blue waters were taken away, in fact, I didn't find my scales until I had my first child 32 years later….
At the age of 5, my father left and never returned. From then on I almost always felt abandonment before love. For the next 30 years he was either in jail or homeless and always on heroin. A fleeting decision to stick a needle in his arm caused a lifetime of pain to many.
My mother worked three jobs to support her cubs and she tried really hard to compensate for my dads addiction and give us a semi normal life. Until she met another damaged man, eventually fell pregnant with him and thus the cycle continued. For my entire life I have taken on the role of the parent to both of the people that I so desperately needed to guide and nurture me. This has caused my inner child neglect of self confidence, self belief and self love; forever dispensing unsolicited advice and fear inside my head.
My earliest reflection of abandonment was when my father left. He not only left physically but also emotionally because he became a victim to his addiction which robbed his soul and he mentally and spiritually left his body. Track marks on his arms replaced providing for his family. and heroin was his new love, it took over his old life like a tidal wave and that black wave of nothingness led him to very murky and dangerous waters of drugs, jail, homelessness, crime, nothingness and intense loneliness. As the years went on so did his ‘poor me’ mentality. He became a true victim of his circumstance. At times, he used to write me letters from jail and blame my mum, us kids, the milk man, anyone but himself for his mistakes. I was an innocent little girl when the emotional abuse started trickling into my subconscious and manifesting right into the essence of what I felt I represented. NOTHING.
